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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2007|04:52 pm]
[music |Avril Lavigne - Losing Grip]

Today was goodish. Had an english prelim, i think I did ok. Me and nicola dance the Filange dance LOLOL.

I hate the word fancy, but I cant think of an alternative. So: I kinda fancy this guy, and he's actually available and gay [no, not that guy] but he like, has NO interest in me whatsoever. He fancies [friend] quite blatantly, and I think [friend] fancies him too. But the weird thing is, its the first time I've fancied someone without being OMFG I LOOOOVE YOOOUUUU. lol. maturing maybe? But all i can think about is how to impress him, or how to look when I'm around him. And it's so annoying.

I'm a bi sick of all this talking without names, so I'm just gonna blatantly say it. William, I'm a bit jealous.[person] is so blatantly into you, but I knew him first, I was gay first [well you know what I mean] so why doesnt he fancy me? I know it's immature, but I feel like I'm missing waht I deserve. I think thats why i get so pissed of at you sometimes. =/ strange.

I feel really ugly. I wish i looked like Owen Wickstead or.. well, hes the only good looking boy in our year. My glasses make me uglier I think, but it's not as if I can just go without them. And i'm so effing fat. I want to stop eating but I physically can't, I don't know whats wrong with me. But everytime I start to think maybe im half decent I think about how no one has ever taken the slightest interest in me </i>that way.

Hugs maybe?
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(no subject) [Jan. 24th, 2007|05:30 pm]
[music |Madonna - Drowned World/Substitute for Love]

DON'T THROW FUCKING BISCUITS AT ME YOU CUNTS!

Someone actually shouted abuse at me from a car. It's a new height, I'm quite proud.

I dont like my life and awful lot just now. I don't think I ever have. It's like, I go to school and feel shite cus I'm not good at it anymore. Then there's whatever drama's going on with my friends, putting up with people I dont like for the sake of not hurting people and just generally wanting to be at home. Then I get home and I don't know what to do with myself. I sit on the computer, mum comes in and like immediately starts doing school work, so I dont see her till about 10, dad gets in at like 5 but after dinner i just go to my room cus dad's watching some programme and we never have anything to talk about. And by this time I'm already pissed off so I just want to be alone to sulk. I dont do anything at the weekends, because I'm lazy or maybe because I'm shy or for whatever excuse I have at that perticular moment for not speaking to anyone. I try to write, or read or draw but i have no motivation. Spluhh.

But that's just normal life stuff. I dont mind that very much.

It's the cunts who do whatever the fuck they want. I always told myself one day I'd be rich and they be cleaning my swimming pool for minimum wage. But my brother, callum, did fuckall in school, gave his teachers shit constantly and harrassed my parents. now hes seventeen with an apprenticeship and he's set for life. I've always done what ive been told, worked hard and got good marks. I never gave teachers and backtalk or anything, because I see how my mum spend about 12 hours a day working for little shits who dont care, and worrying about it for the other 12 hours. I however, have no prospects. I dunno what the fuck im doing. Karma my fucking arse.

I really want to come out to my dad. he's be fine with it, and when we talk about gay rights [which is surprisingly often] i feel so frustrated because i cant give my opinion properly.

Wow. that was loooong but w/e. Oh and william, ive just realised this. if im mean to you, its passive aggression because of YouKnowWhat. I'll never be over it, so i guess you'll just have to get used to bitch me.
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2007|06:23 pm]
Oh. And I also recommend you all go out and download Sister Rosetta, Monte Christo or signs by the Noisettes.

and its до свидания. I was nearly right lol. But were all friends so it should be Пока. Lol. Languages = love.
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2007|05:39 pm]
[Current Location |Goldfrapp - Ride a white horse]

Not updated properly in like.. four hundred years.

Well I've been ok, on the scale of things I've been happy in general. I'm a bit annoyed at school though; I used to love english, but now we're just doing poetry. And its not that i hate poetry, but come on! Another C.E.L? I actually own imaginative writing, and we haven't done it in about a year. I'll get a one or a two for my folio [in fact ive already got like four ones in it so I'll most likely get an overall one. I know I'm usually 'lol im so modest' but I know I kick ass at english] but I just wish I could be proud of the work I'm handing in. Ah well, at least I've got a gay rights thing in it -happy-

I feel a bit guilty about it, but I just dont care about school anymore. In history i just scribble an answer then have a laugh with william, and in physics im just like "eh..?". I maintain however that physics is a fake science. I hate being told theory as fact, and physics teachers never back up what they're telling you. Guhrr. I don't want to stay on fifth and sixth year, but I know I will because it's expected of me and also I need to avoid getting a job as long as possible. I've got no idea what I'm going to do with myself. I love languages, but I'm terrified of travelling and of speaking to people, the two main things you need to actually put them to use. When i'm on my own my spanish accent is flawless, but in school i sound like a glaswegian flamenco dancer. I'm hoping somehow things will just happen for me. Best case scenario I get a job stacking books in a library. I would love that, it just seems... fitting.

In less academic aspects of life, there's not an awful lot going on. No crushes [really]. Do you ever meet someone, just once, and then cant get them out of you head? Well, that happened, won't say names because, well people know them, and also, I'm over it and names would just be holding on. Also had another 'crush' type thing, and with someone i might even have had a chance with, but theyre most probably not interested and i cant be bothered keeping up any sort of high level of emotion. Its probably just aswell, I dunno what the hell I'd do if I actually had someone. I'd just be all shy and awkward and boring. Pehh.

Weird things on the sexuality front. I'm now straight I reckon I'm more less gay and more a bisexual leaning towards guys who has a deep set fear of vaginas. Lol. So I'm probs 80% gay. not bad lol.

Well. Off now. до свуданe. or however you spell it. for somereason the russian translator isnt working.
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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2007|07:32 pm]
[music |The Noisettes - Sister Rosetta [thanks nicola]]

90 random questions

1.How old will you be in five years?
just turned nineteen

2. Do you think you will be married by then?
definately not; nineteens too you;it'll take me atleast forty years to find someone unhinged enough;by the time im ready the bible fuckers will have gotten it banned

3. How tall are you?
bit taller than you

4. What do you look forward to in the next six weeks?
the various weekends

5. what was the last movie you saw?
dancer in the dark. I cried <i>so much</i>.

6. Who was the last person you called?
i dont call.

7. Who was the last person to call you?
my mum. from the hall because she didnt know i was in my room lol<3

8. What was the last text message you received?
cant remember. but it was from nicola

9. Do you prefer to call or text?
text

10. Do you have any pets?
no

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
lying in bed

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
married.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
about an hour ago?

14. What color are your eyes?
blue. one has a brown fleck

15. what time did you wake up this morning?
bout twenty to seven

16. What are you wearing right now?
blue/grey stripey top, penstained jeans, socks, boxers, white topman belt. Im so a la mode.

17. What is your favorite christmas song?
the old ones ^^

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
anywhere if its with someone i love

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
at the till in shops

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
reykjavic <3

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
i really dont know. Ill still be living with my parents and feeling guilty for it.

22. Do you tan or burn?
tan xP

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Marilyn Manson. I'm not kidding. I saw the video for the nobodys when i was about six and i thought he was under my bed for years after that. also, i always think the girl from the ring will get me when im in the bath. lol

24. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
my mum saying about chameleons getting flung backwards when they flick their tounges out.

25. How many TVs do you have?
about three that work.

26. How big is your bed?
big enough for two..... nah lol. normal size.

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
desktop

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
just shorts. disturbing, i know

29. What color are your sheets?
fade from yellow to green

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
deux

31. What is your favorite season?
deep winter

32. What do you like about fall?
cold+dry sometimes

33. What do you like about winter?
being inside

34. What do you like about the summer?
the holiday

35. What do you like about spring?
nothing at all. well. maybe easter

36. How many states have you lived in?
none. thank heavens

37. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
one

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
socks. sometimes bare feet

39. Are you a social person?
no

40. What was the last thing you ate?
rice

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
dhillons! lol no. Frankie & Benny's

42. What is your favorite ice cream?
raspberry sorbet

43. What is your favorite dessert?
those fancy chocolatey cakes you get at the tesco cafe. so sophisticated

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
my grans homemade chicken soup

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
none please.

47. Do you like coffee?
only if its more sugar than liquid and i can drink it through a straw

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
sometimes one, sometimes about nine. so ,maybe four on average

49. What do you drink in the morning?
nothing [milk in me cereal]

50. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
i like the idea of cuddling up to someone, but i couldn't stand them feeling my fat.

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
my bed isnt really big enough to have sides

52. Do you know how to play poker?
no

53. Do you like to cuddle?
yeah <3<3

54. Have you ever been to Canada?
no

55. Do you have an addictive personality?
just to fatty foods and diet coke

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
home

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
rudyard kipling the author. dont actually know him though lol

59. Do you want kids?
yeah. lots <3

60. Do you speak any other languages?
i have a basic grasp of french and spanish. a little icelandic, starting to learn russian. hope to learn polish eventually and hopefully more european languages

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
no

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
no

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
pool

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
window

65. Do you know how to drive stick?
id have to drive non stick first now wouldnt i?

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
books!

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
no

68. What is your favorite TV show?
will and grace/old friends episodes

69. Can you roll your tongue?
yeah

70. Who is the funniest person you know?
nicola/william

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
no

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
dunno

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
no

74. What color are your bedroom walls?
green

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
no lol

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed!

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of Bees?
swarm of bee. bear would tear you in have with one swip, bees can only hurt you [less your allergic]

78. Do you laugh a lot?
yeah = ]

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
tomato sauce or barbecue sauce

80. What is your favorite food?
curry/chicken or vegatable pakora/samosas

81. Can you change the oil on a car?
no

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
no.

83. Have you ever run out of gas?
NO

84. What is your usual bedtime?
about 11 ish

85. Who's your last dialed/received/and missed calls from?
dunno

86. Do you read the newspaper?
aye

87: None.
What? What the hell was the point of that? Who writes these things?

88. Best comedian?
bill bailey/that woman with the monkey puppet

89. Do you watch soap operas?
hollyoaks sometimes

90. Do you dance in the car?
aye. obv.

well that was worthwile. Lol. Im a bit bored.

<3<3Noisettes<3<3

nicola - I LOVE YOU =D

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(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2007|09:24 pm]
Ugh at this by the doubleyou.

I don't know what the eff I should. Because, urgh! I dunno. I could write it all down, but I know the replies i'd get and they wouldnt help really. I dont really know how to feel.

I'm dying. Of BURSH FLU!

nooooooo !!

But seriously. I cant believe its been ANOTHER year. And I'm still THIS. Its getting old. 

-wants a guy-

toodles.
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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2007|08:58 pm]
[music |sugarcubes - planet]

If I had to give up sex or nicola,
I'd start having sex,
and give it up.

and now for a sugarcubes quote.

you convince me that I am able
you make me strong
you're my vitamin
wooooh!

Love you hon ^^
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(no subject) [Dec. 18th, 2006|06:28 pm]
[music |the raincoats - lola]

I've been neglecting this a bit. So sorry if you're an avid reader of my life stories.

Not much been going on really. A bit fecked off with myself over some stuff, a bit fecked of with other people over some stuff aswell. But whatever.

On the plus side of things, just a few days till schools over for a couple of weeks. So that's good. Saturday was well great, I wasn't too sure about John being there, cus I thought I would be all -is shy- -doesn't talk- but it was actually really good. John's a leg-end likes ^^ <3

Well this was informative.
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(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2006|05:22 pm]
[music |juliette and the licks - shelter your needs]

Sæll og blessaður/Hola, ¿Qué tal?/Guten tag/Bonjour

-shows off-

Not posted in a katie leung time.

Friday was pure the mutts nuts ^^

"-indian accent- Llevo gafas"
-william falls over-

lmao!

Pissed off a bit. But I ALWAYS am. It's just. I know I laugh it off at school, but it actually gets to me when folk are throwing stuff at me. Not just manky bits of plastic at lunch today, but when i was walking home last week and they threw actual rocks, or when they try to pull of my hat/bag/whatever. But theyre all fat and should die.

Also. I'm effing fed up with being single. My hormones are actually on fire a bit. It's sick, but what I really want is to be the object of affection for once. I'm always the pathetic stalker, in love with the unnatainable. For once I'd like to be the cooler than cool guy with the little admirer drooling at my feet. Sick no? But anyone [male.... or i suppose...] would be so lucky. Im desperate! I totally go for pity relationships.

I feel a bit like I'm the manky kid no one wants to play with. Its my hair. it just wont stay straight! feck it.

loverhugs
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(no subject) [Nov. 21st, 2006|08:33 pm]
[music |Björk - Pagan Poetry]

Basically that ten things about people, dont tell them who thing thats been going round like syphillis.

Ask and I might tell you who I'm talking bout.

1. I'm fed up obsessing over you. I fed up with feeling like a silly little child whenever I think of you. Nout I can do about it so it'll juts have to be. I dont love you anymore. But still I'm scared to like things that you like. Screwed up a bit likes.

2. I adore you ^^. You're my like my best friend, but it hurts a bit cus we're not really that close. I feel like you met all these people through me, then even more people through them, whilst I never even managed to be friends with the first set because I'm so chicken-shit. I've been all Antonio-from-merchant-of-venice-ey and now youve got all these friends and you don't need me anymore. To be honest, I miss when you were sortof in love with me, and I was like "omg murray" instead of just "oh aye.. murray". I feel like everything I say to you just pushes you further away and now I'm just like fuckitall. Also i wish you'd never done that thing, but it didn't cause me as many problems as you think it did.

3. You I also love. My oldest friend, but I never felt like I truly liked you till recently. Part of me wants to hit you with something large and blunt for what you did to me. I dont get why you did it, but things are good now, so I wont ruin it. You are technically responsible for most of the shit I get at school. You also caused my premature leaving of the closet. I'm not sure if i should thank you for that or hit you for it. You severely hurt my confidence, and my self-esteem and just general mental health. But I love you anyway.

4. You. You are basically the person that made me who I am. You dont realise what you did, and that infuriates me. You can't see how your selfishness broke me. You were the first one I came close to loving, and you were the first one to turn your back on me. I hope you know I hold you responsible for my fucked up personality and mind. I thought we were friends. I just wish I didn't remember you.

5. You aren't a person. You are just every tracksuit-wearing, binge-drinking, chain-smoking little cunt who's ever thought they owned me. Where do you get off thinking you can treat me like something your crackwhore mother coughed up? Yeah, I'm condesending, I wonder why? Have any of you ever treated me with anything other than contempt? I used to think that when people said the world was unfair, that people were nasty, they were just being cynical. I know, from encountering you, that they were sugar-coating. It's nice to know that anyone slightly different can expect to be abused. Do any of you even know my last name? My favourite song? Do you know what I look like? Do you take the time to look me in the eye as you shout hate? I've never wished death on someone. You're coming close. It sickens me that my own brother is willing to defend you. "it's their sense of humour, they cant help it if your over sensitive". Ugh. Just go fuck yourselfs. Thankyou kindly.

K. so i only did five. Whatever. Gawd. Im pissed off now. Cleansed, but pissed off.
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(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2006|05:25 pm]
Actual love shakespeare.  Mrs Elliot's all like "Lorenzo and jessica are made for eachother. They're both nasty" or something. Well. If you're dad was a flesh cutting moneylender crazy jew guy, you'd be disrespectful too!

Gratiano pyoor loves Nerissa likes.

Woke up all happy on monday morning. Took a whole two hours 'fore school shovelled shit into my lap.

Hate physics. Urgh. Just feck off, your not even a real science! And maths. Eww. Not getting on too well just now. Ms. Inglis is being a tad unreasonable. W/E.

William made up with colin kinda, so he still gets abuse off allison, but basically colin can focus all his revenge on me now. Nice one.

ANYWAY.

Bassanio <3's Portia
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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2006|05:32 pm]

Clearly the world is a large, somewhat speherical, pile of shit.

And the people are fleas. Where are the decent people? You cant turn a corner without being harrassed by some random chavic type. And then when people screw you over they don't even fucking care. Colin, sidenote here, if your reading, for once, and dont get too scared now, this isn't about you.

I am so sick of taking everyone else's shit. I'll obviously never stop, because, I dunno. Am I too nice or too lazy? More like I'm just a doormat.

It's ironic, the way things come around. I dont' want to dig up old fights. But I need to say these things. William: Do you find anything familiar about what Colin's doing to you? Thats the last I'll say about it.

Back to the current annoyance. I hate that you two are friends. Not because I like want own you or anything, but I know he'll use it against me. And for me, someone actually ruining your other friends life would constitute a reason to stop being friends with that person. But I swear I'll never mention it again. Gawd why am I being such an arse about this?

It's nice that some people are having a nice time. I'm glad you've found friends just as depraved as you. You call me a "pussy", but you're the one getting your friends to do your fighting. Before you say my friends are involved for me, they're not, you screwed them all over aswell, so it's their fight too.

-is immature hypocrite-

School is fundamentally wrong. I think it should count as mental anguish. I'll be happy the day I never have to see that retard infested shit-pile again.

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(no subject) [Nov. 2nd, 2006|10:05 pm]
school is too hard

im like. failing maths and history =/ well. one bad test lol. but still. had total anurisms in history. breakdown likes. i just spent the whole day doing homework. eeesht.

but seriously. prelims. like. now! -pees- no one told me anything about the fast track course. i thought you got study leave!?

-weep-
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(no subject) [Nov. 1st, 2006|04:42 pm]
[music |That Oedipus Song That Kyle Sent Me <3]

IF YOU CAN'T SEE PAST MY HUGE HEAD THEN MOVE! I'M NOT THE ONE WHO CAN'T SEE SO I GET TO STAY WHERE I AM!

NO I WON'T GO OUT WITH YOU! JUST BECAUSE I'M GAY DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN HARASS ME!

STOP THINKING I'LL LISTEN TO YOUR RANDOM CRAP! I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT CULTS TAKING OVER THE WORLD THIS WEEK OR WHAT YOUR LATEST OBSESSION IS!

GO TO HELL! NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOU, STOP THINKING WE'RE FRIENDS! AND STOP SPREADING STUFF ABOUT MY FRIENDS AND BEING NASTY TO THEM, JUST SO THAT YOU CAN STEAL THEM DIRECTLY AFTERWORDS! WTF IS THAT ABOUT?

Urgh. Yeah, It's been a real good day.

All my old anger's come back. I'm realising just how much people screw me over. My own friends, people I've never met. I must be asking for it. There's no other explanation. 
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(no subject) [Oct. 30th, 2006|05:09 pm]
[music |Plastic Bertrand - Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Do you ever just feel like you want to throw up? Not because your ill, but just because it would be some sort of climax to what you feel.

I'm so tired of moping round the house, but it's basically being between a rock and a hard place; I can't leave the house, because frankly, when I weigh up how things make me feel, it's not worth it, but if I stay in, I'll go insane. Perhaps more so than I already am.

I feel like my life started when I got friends. So, basically, I feel like I'm about two years old, but at the same time, my head feels late forties at the youngest.

So in those two years, what have I learned? What knowledge about the big bad world is with me now?

I suppose that I know that love is something I'll never understand. The only thing I know about it is that it is destructive at it's best.

I know I'm an erratic fool. And that the world basically shite. But it's really the only place we can be, so we'll just have to do with it.

I don't understand people. At all. Most of all I don't understand me. How can go out of my way so much to please people, who probably don't deserve it, and then be such a bitch to some people. How be such a hypocrite, when every fibre of my being knows it's wrong, and something I'm fundamentally against. How can I preach about gay rights, when I have so many doubts.  I know, that in evolutionary terms, homosexuality is a genetic defect. And that destroys me. How can I really justify my right to get married and have children when all I'm doing is passing on a faulty gene? I think far too much about these things. It's a horrible thought. I feel awful for thinking it. But it's hard to ignore.  But then again. There's always the possibility that it's a psychological thing, but that means it has to be caused by a trauma or something... which just leads down the road of it being a mental illness.

Ugh. Whatever.

I've been in this horrible mood for ages. I'm getting reluctant about saying things because I know what people will think. I'm so paranoid now.... I'm scared of [certain things] repeating themselves. acht well. whatever.
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(no subject) [Oct. 27th, 2006|04:39 pm]
[music |the sugarcubes - eat the menu]

Is it just me, or on "Here today, Tomorrow, Next Week" does it seem like Einar is singing completely different songs than Björk? Know on knows what I mean right? lol

"I'm a spacegirl, pass me that aeroplane"

lol.

Nicolas coming over at five. Fun! Yes its only so she doesn6t feel guilty for telling her mum shes been here since school, but whatever. lol. j/k

Album's I own:

Björk:

             Debut
             Post
             Vespertine
             Homogenic
             Medulla
             Selmasongs
             Greatest Hits
                                      Trio Guðmundur....
                                                                        Gling Glo

The Sugarcubes:
                                Life's Too Good
                                Here Today, Tomorrow, Next Week

Tori Amos:
                    Tales of a Librarian

Avril Lavigne:
                        Let Go
                        Under My Skin

Evanesence:
                        Fallen

Norah Jones:
                         Don't Know Why

Compilitions:
                        Fly me to the Moon

Bet you wanted to know that. I need to expand me collection.
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(no subject) [Oct. 23rd, 2006|03:47 pm]
Someone deleted talk to her from the sky+ thingy. Someone deleted my Spanish, Gay, Swearing in Spanish, probably male nudity, arthouse, Spanish film!

GARRRGH!

OH and im back from blackpool. Was good.

PO's a bit. No reason as usual.

Romy and Michelle rock your momma.

How comes you look at one crappy lesbian book on amzon and you whole 'personal page' is full of 'em?

Why wont someone write a gay book with substance! wheres that damn alex sanshez? I loove him...
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(no subject) [Oct. 16th, 2006|11:37 am]

Kay. Blackpool in like.. five hours! eeesshk.

I'm actually dead shitting it. Cus, and this'll sound retarded, in 2001, August 5th, the morning we were supposed to go to blackpool, granda, who had been pretty much deteriorating for a few years already, died. Obvo the holiday was cancelled. But anyway, everytime we've been since then I've been convinced someones gonna die =/ but this morning, mamma min went to the dentist, no fatal saliva suction device accidents so woot =]. I'm lightening up a bit but im still worried lol.

But yay! Three hour car journey -dance-. Not being sarcastic btw, I LOVE car journeys! Three hours of reading Jane Austen+Shakespeare and listening to Ella Fitzgerald+Julie London =DD. whoosh. Pabbi minn bought a 'Fly Me To The Moon' CD, which is basically old music, so if we can retrieve murrays walkman, I shall be sophisticated. XD. Anyways. Back on friday. Bless Bless!

[sorry bout all the Icelandic nonsense I spout btw mamma min: my mum pabbi minn: my dad Bless Bless: Bye Bye! lol.]

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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2006|04:10 pm]
[mood |BLARGH]
[music |Ella Fitzgerald - Fever]

Murray is pissed off.

I have too much homework. But I dont care bout that really.

I'm not loving the subject choices I made. Murray picked:
Maths: Echt. Its ok
English: LOVE.
Spanish: LOVE.
Physics: MR GILROY IS A FUCKING INCOMPETENT PEICEOF MONKEY BALL. mr roberts is all 'lets humiliate murray'
Biology: Meh.
Chemistry: Meh.
History: URGH! FUCK OFF NO ONE CARES ABOUT SHEEP AND TRAINS LET ALONE SHEEP ON TRAINS.
Art: Hate. It's ruined art for me. I dont like drawing anymore.

I dont understand people. I think I'll go live in a cave.

Thanks to everyone who commented. Well. Everyone who left a useful comment. I aint replying because i dont know what to say, but thanks anyway.

Brgh. The bitch Colin is being really confusing. I liked him better when he couldnt talk cause his head was so far up his arse. I ask William something and colin answers. I dont want to say 'fuck off whore or im 'onna beat you good' cus thats just mean.

-screams-
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(no subject) [Oct. 9th, 2006|06:21 pm]
[music |Julie London - Why Don't You Do Right?]

A fine Romance, with no kisses,
A fine Romance, my friend this is,
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes,
But you're as cold as yesterdays mashed potatoes.

LOVE Ella Fitzgerald by the way.

This is probably gonna be a long post. First I'll do the normal 'today and why it was okay' thing. Then a little sob story. That you have to read. Cus I'm like Santa. I'll know.

Physics. Gawd. Mr Roberts, what is up with your teaching method? He keeps picking me for answers cus he knows I don't want to be involved in his 'OMG lets throw stuff' lessons. Pfft. Biology fine. History - two ones yass. Chemistry - I'm actually ahead. English - okay. Spanish okay. Got my hair cut. The backs like gona. I still dont like it. But whatever. Had a massive fight with broðir minn/mi hermano/mon frere/my brother. Because basically he's obsessed with tying to prove that I'm a snob. And that I ahte poor people/neds/any one who wears trackies. I explain to him that I hate the people who come up to me and hassle me. These people dont know me. But they apparently have the right. So Callum gets on his 'low horse' as I like to call it. And basically defends them over me. Saying that I hate them because they have a different sense of humour from me. What the fuck? So i try to go upstairs, because I cant let him see me cry. And he pulls me backwards down the stairs and starts his macho crap. We have a big verbal face off thing. The minute he realises he wont win. He storms upstairs and tells me that I have to stay downstairs. Ugh. I could ahve punched him there. It's not his smugness or his arrogance that annoys me. It's that fact that he will fight tooth and nail to defend the honour of someone who he hasn't met, and who ahs hurt me, over his own flesh and blood. You know, I get a lot of shit at school. It might be nice to come home to some respect. Or even just peace. Whatever.

Now here's my little sob story. I want to explain to every one how I feel. And why I do the neurotic things I do that make people role their eyes and say 'Gawd, here we go again with the shyness/emoness'.

Firstly. I'm very sorry for feeling this way. I know it's a nuisance to some people.

Please never ask me if I'm ok. Because I'm not. I know, thats SO FUCKING EMO. But just calm down for a minute and hear me out. I constantly feel nervous. I wont be at ease until there is nothing in the world that is vaguely frightening or dangerous. I can't help it. I can't even explain it. Being at school is hard for me when I'm feeling that way, but I show up each day. Taking part in P.E is worse. But again. I always do. Do you know how much it took for me to go to Williams party? When I was doing my hair I was nouxious. But I went. Because I'm sick of being selfish, and catering to my neurosis at the expense of my friends. I know you'll all read this and think whatever. But I'm just trying to explain myself.

Please dont ask me to come to your house. I don't mean this in a nasty way. But I'll say no. I'm sorry. I really am, but I can't handle it. I know it's a problem, and by avoiding it I'm only making it worse. But I dont know how else to deal.

I'm so scared of the future. I'm terrified that I'll wake up one day and realise I let things pass me by because I was too scared. I love languages, but what good are languages if you cant speak to people? I want to stay on at school to study languages, but the idea of being involved in all the school stuff, and all the things they do is enough to make me leave. I've been told by my parents that I'm conceited. and thats why I am this way. I know thats what teachers think when I pass things up. I couldn't make myself go to the awards ceremony, even when my mum threatened to cancel Paris over it. It hurts me so much that people think these things about me. And no one. Not one person in my whole life has ever tried to accomodate this. Not one single person. Why should they? How can they know how I feel if I can't explain it?

Well. There we are. I know I'll look at this tomorrow and think either 'Oh gawd... why did i write that' or 'theres so much more' but either way. Its there. Si. whatever.
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